


Hurts Like Hell

by orphan_account



Series: The Beginning Of A Song [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Bitter Thomas Jefferson, Canon Era, F/M, I'm Sorry, M/M, Very angst, i'm suffering with my own writing, much angst, poor eliza, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 10:43:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9068197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I loved
  
  And I loved
  
  And I lost you





	

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, first of all: I'm sorry, but I had too.  
> Second of all: This is the first of a series of Hamilton's one shots based on music lyrics. NOT ALL OF THEM WILL BE THAT ANGSTY, I SWEAR.  
> Third of all: Enjoy the angst.

_**H** ow can I say this without breaking_  
_How can I say this without taking over_

The walk Thomas Jefferson took was longer on that day. He made a excuse to get out of the meeting early so he could walk. So he could _think_. He needed to think and organize his thoughts in his mind, his migraine not helping it, but he needed to try.

He recieved the news this morning; Alexander Hamilton passed away after a duel with the vice president, Aaron Burr. It didn't seem to be true at first. That couldn't be true. The way they described his death didn't seem _real_. That was it? The puny way that the great Alexander Hamilton would die? It surely didn't looked real.

But when the man who gave him the news told him he would be burried on that same day, he finally got the message. Alexander Hamilton was dead. Silent once and for all.

__**H** ow can I put it down into words  
_When it's almost too much for my soul alone_  _ _

He stopped his walk, feeling his head hurt even more. That wasn't right. The fact he was dead wasn't right. He couldn't be dead. Thomas was sure Alexander would show up at any minute and start screaming at him. But at the same time he was sure that he wouldn't, and that silence would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Jefferson walked again. He didn't knew where he was walking to, but he didn't wanted to stop. He needed to keep going and never stop if that's what it would take for him to leave the thoughts of Alexander behind.

But he was asking too much, and he knew that. The fact that his feelings towards Hamilton weren't never clear on his mind was one of the reasons for him to be the way he was; Silently suffering the death of a man he so fiercely hated, but loved oh so much.

_**I** don't want them to know the secrets_  
_I don't want them to know the way I loved you_  
_I don't think they'd understand it, no_  
_I don't think they would accept me, no_

It was so confusing in his head; He knew he hated Hamilton and his way of being, always acting like everyone was under his feet, like he was the smartest in the room. But he couldn't explain why this hate always turned into something more passionate while looking at the man.

He felt love towards Alexander's words, and brains, and _everything_. The only one capable to match him when it came to intelligence. The only one capable to fight him and win. He loved the passion that hid behind Hamilton's words, the fire in his eyes everytime he started to put his ideas out there.

He loved him; A love sinful in the eyes of the people. A love that could never be shown, that would die with him, and that was hurting him, making him suffer from a dead man.

*****

_**D** reams fight with machines _  
_Inside my head like adversaries_  
_Come wrestle me free_  
_Clean from the war_

He decided to go at the cemetery, not caring if they would want him there or not. He took a carriage to the Trinity Church cemetery, and walked slowly to where there were people gathering.

His breath was cut short as he saw the dirt being placed on the pit. He was late, of course. But that didn't stopped him to look around and see Hamilton's wife –Elizabeth Hamilton Schuyler. She was with her eyes red and seemed tired, carrying a baby in her arms that Jefferson recognized as the younger son of the Hamilton's. There were three more children with her, one of them being a young woman, probably the oldest daughter, that was holding the other two with her hands while they cried and tried to find confort on her sister. One of them –a little boy apparently 12 years or so– ran from his sister's arms, running away crying.

"John!" the girl said, her voice broken, and her brother just put a hand on her shoulder

"Let him."

"But James–"

"It's better leaving him alone, Angie."

The girl didn't like the idea of letting her little brother run away, but she heard what James had to say and looked harshly to the hole in the ground where his father now was.

The look in her eyes made Jefferson tear up. It was the same eyes as her father's. He could see the way they shined as words passed through her mind but keeping her mouth shut. The way all of the children present had something of Hamilton on them was killing him. He couldn't keep looking at them without feeling his heart break.

"Mr. President..." he heard a familiar voice saying and saw Angelica Schuyler getting close to him slowly, her eyes full of tears

The eyes of the Hamilton children fell on him, as well as other people's who were present, including Eliza's. He tried to give his old friend a smile, masking the bitter in his face.

"Mrs. Schuyler." his voice were sore, but he couldn't fake it if he wanted "It took a tragedy for us to meet again..."

He swallowed as he noticed Eliza's eyes were still on him, full of confusion and something bordering rage. Angelica didn't seem to notice her sister's glare.

"Indeed. I'm surprised to see you here. I thought there was nothing but rage between you and Alexander." his name left her mouth as a whisper, making a few tears roll down her cheeks

Before he could speak, Eliza moved closer, giving the baby to her daughter and the fire in her wet eyes made Jefferson fear her.

"Mr. President, I'm sorry for being indelicate. For my husband, you only had hatred, so what are you doing on his funeral?"

Her voice and words seemed to hit Jefferson in the face. She was _broken_. He could see in her face, her voice, her everything. He felt jealousy; That was the woman Hamilton chose to love. That he loved till the very last second of his life.

Her, not Thomas.

But looking at her he felt sick by his own thoughts. She was broken and there he was, thinking those things. He knew part of what she had been through; The scandal of Hamilton's affair, the death of her older son, and now this. How broken that woman could be.

_'Just as broken as me...'_ he thought to himself, remembering his Martha and his daughters, holding back the pain those memories brought him.

He took a deep breath, taking Eliza's hand and placing a kiss on it, fighting against the tears. "I know me and your beloved husband weren't friends or nothing close to that, but I feel for such a unexpected death, and so soon."

Thomas saw as her eyes widened and she fought against the tears. He looked deep in her eyes, seeing the pain and letting her see his own.

"I understand if I'm not welcomed, but I just want to give my respect to an old work partner and his great mind."

Eliza took a step back and looked briefly at him before taking her children and going away. Angelica gave him a confused look and curved her head as a goodbye before following her sister.

_**Y** our heart fits like a key_  
_Into the lock on the wall_  
_I turn it over,_  
_I turn it over,_  
_But I can't escape_

*****

The cemetery was empty now. Jefferson was alone, looking at the memorial placed on Alexander Hamilton's pit. His tears now were roaming free on his face, falling to the ground, making little wet dots on the dirt that now held Alexander's body.

_**I** loved_  
_And I loved_  
_And I lost you_

He could feel his body trembling as his tears became more intense. The fury behind his dark eyes raging like fire. He didn't know why he was furious, but had a small hint.

Alexander died and left him alone with his sinful feelings. Left him alone with another loss.

_**I** loved_  
_And I loved_  
_And I lost you_

He couldn't take it anymore. He needed to erase that feeling once and for all. He was a fool for thinking that it was even possible, but he needed to try. He needed to take all of Hamilton away from him. He couldn't bear more pain than he already felt.

_**I** loved _  
_And I loved_  
_And I lost you..._

"You bastard..." he said between tears "That was enough. You've broken me enough. I won't let this happen anymore."

He wiped the tears and clenched his hands into fists. His throat was closing and the tears wouldn't stop coming, even with him trying to stop them.

"That financial plan of yours... I'll make sure to undo it. You won't be in my life anymore."

His whispers were carried away with the wind that was blowing as he stepped back, his eyes filled with determination. He walked away, every step hurting him, every breath missing _him_. But he couldn't show it. He could never show it.

He would live the rest of his life with that feeling in the bottom of his heart. The feeling of another love that flew away from his hands. And the pain that it brought him.

But he would never let it show.

_**A** nd it hurts like hell._

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry
> 
> Shout at me on my tumblr! -http://wewroteourwayoutofboredom.tumblr.com/


End file.
